How to manage conflict

Bertrand Russell once said:

“The good life is one Inspired by love and guided by knowledge.”

But where do we get that knowledge?

I would say that academic study only becomes useful if it provokes insight, and that growth comes through insight, not comfort.

Through insights or understandings, gained by experiences, where we are challenged internally and externally to move beyond our comfort zones.

And that only when faced with those moments of challenge do we have the opportunity to grow.

As Sid Banks once said:

“Life’s a contact sport, you’re going to get hit sometimes.”

We don’t have to like what someone else is doing, or agree with what someone else says.

Equally, we can’t always get what we want, or get things to happen the way we think they should.

But what we can’t avoid is contact with those moments.

So, what do we do when faced with conflict?

Well, that depends on the context.

If we’re in danger then we get away and keep ourselves safe. If it’s just a disagreement then we can listen to the person, allow them to have their say, and if at all possible, look for the human being behind those words. Reminding ourselves that most anger is a response to fear.

That the person experiencing that anger usually has a focus and belief that they are not in control, that they are in danger, threatened somehow. Often based on misunderstandings and misinterpretations of what is happening.

You see, our brains don’t like gaps, they don’t like unfinished stories and so we find that our minds will do their best to fill in those gaps, using imagination. You know like a cliff hanger in a television show. We go to a commercial break and then our imaginations try to fill in the gaps:

“What if that happens. I bet this is what’s going to happen. Oh no! Why is that happening. How could they! I don’t like this, I don’t like them.”

And when the break is over we get back and occasionally we’re right, but quite often there are things we didn’t know, plot twists and bits of information that were missing when we went to make our tea.

If you think about we do this quite often in everyday life, all of us. I used to experience so much anxiety, and so much self doubt, that I saw threats everywhere. And I would make up stories in my head about what was going to happen, why something was happening, why somebody said what they did, or looked at me like that, without any real information, other than my own imagination, as evidence.

When that happened, my body would respond by going into a stress response, because it was trying to prepare me/protect me from the threat A threat that seemed so real, but in truth it was just my imagination going into overdrive. Then I’d experience angry or resentful thoughts and my body would respond to that with those feelings.

However, most of the time I would find that what I imagined wasn’t real and then my thoughts would change. And those feelings in my body would reduce or disapear, and I would become more relaxed.

When you remember times in your life where you’ve felt anger - cos we all have, did you feel frightened, when you were in the midst of being really angry? I’d say the answer to that is no.

That’s because, in that moment of anger we have a fleeting moment where we feel totally in control, justified, right, powerful, and able to do anything. However, it dosen’t usually last long, but that’s the purpose of anger to allow us to feel empowered and in control.

I get that it can be hard to recognise this in the moment. Because of the  thinking and judgments we have about the situation, and even about ourselves. But, if you can take your attention away from your thoughts, just for a moment, and place it solely on the individual in front of you, you might be surprised by what you find, and more importantly by what you experience.

It may also be possible to remind yourself that this is serving you somehow, which may seem odd. But if we recognise that all growth comes from discomfort. From facing who we think we are, and what we think life is, and gaining new insights from that, then maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.

Certainly, I remember someone once saying to me that we rarely have control over how life shows up. That there is no certainty in nature.

As John Lennon once said:

”Life’s what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

However, it’s our resistance to the present moment that causes us the most suffering, because our imaginations take over.

I understand that it can be hard to see this at times, especially when we’re in the middle of a situation. But if it isn’t possible in the moment, then perhaps down the track, when we’re alone, we could look back on that situation and consider those things and see where that takes us.