Who are we?

In ancient Greece, actors wore masks, or personas, as they were known. They did that to be seen differently - so others would think they were something they’re not. Which is where Carl Jung’s idea of the Persona comes from.

Jung’s idea, was that all of us, to a lesser or greater extent, hide who we truly are. We do that so that we can increase our chances of being accepted. So that we can feel normal, and feel like we’re fitting in. So that we aren’t rejected, and don’t feel fear.

But to do that, we have to pretend. Pretend to be something we’re not. To hide the essence of us, if you will – which is stressful. And with time, having done this for so long, we lose sight of who we truly are and start to feel lost, confused, unfulfilled. And when we do that, we add to that stress, effecting our health, relationships, and sense of wellbeing.

But we don’t just wear one mask, we wear many:

We wear masks at work, we wear masks in friendships, we wear masks with our families, and in so many other areas too. All of it dependant on context.

But we also have sub-groups, groups within groups: sub-groups of friends, subgroups at work, sub-groups in social situations, and even in our families. We can see this in the way we show up in different contexts. And I think most of us, to some extent, can relate to this, but it does raise the question why?

Michael Neill, once used an analogy that I believe sums this up, and I paraphrase him here:

“When we were first born, people outside of us met our needs. When we were hungry someone brought us food. When we were uncomfortable someone helped us to feel comfortable. When we were sad, someone hugged us, helped us to feel safe.

But one day, the person who cared for us had a bad day, for whatever reason they did, and suddenly a big scary dragon appeared, and our world, that used to feel so safe, so caring, so known, became uncertain – and we believed it was our fault.

We believed that we had done something wrong. That if we didn’t do what others expected, we would lose love. And it was at that point that we started to believe that all love comes from outside of us and that unless we fit in, we can lose it. Which is when we started to wear masks.”

But what are these masks?

Well, we create our masks from images in our minds. Because we think in pictures. We look outside of us to get a gauge of what masks to wear. Of what’s normal, acceptable, healthy, loveable, beautiful, desirable, right and wrong. All of it based on the society we grew up in. The cultures we were born into, and the many different cultures we were exposed to (familie’s, school’s, religions, friends, TV, music, books, sport, and so many more). I mean, where else are we going to get that sort of information. And when we have it, we create images in our minds, based on that information. Images of who we think we are, images of what we think the world is, of who we think we should or shouldn’t be – and the problem is, we believe it. And we try to live up to these images, dismissing what we truly feel inside.

But what if we knew those images wern’t true? What if we knew how they were formed? And what if we understood that everyone is living from that same misunderstanding?

What if Socrates was right, when he spoke about the true self not being identified with what we own, our social status, reputation or bodies, but rather with our soul.

What if we understood that the reactions of other people, whilst they may feel like they are related to us, usually have more to do with the other person, than with us?

And what if we understood that everyone is wearing a mask, because everyone is operating from the same misunderstanding about life - that there is only one correct way. That we have to hide who we truly are, in order to be accepted, in order to be loved.

There is a term used in Social Psychology called the spotlight effect. This is where we believe that people notice us, notice everything we do. That we’re on everyone’s radar, and they’ll judge us if we do something wrong.

What’s fascinating about this, is that this misunderstanding is so common, that research shows us that people are far more focussed on themselves, than they are on anyone else.

In fact, it’s more likely, that when you walk into a social setting, or any setting for that matter, that you’re only the third thing anyones thinking about. Because their priority is on themselves, on thinking about how they are coming across, and on how they are feeling within themselves; and what they’re going to do next. And when we realise that, it can be liberating.

Why don’t you test this theory for yourself?

Find a busy place with lots of people, in a Covid safe way of course, and count how many people look you directly in the eye. I guarantee you most won't, because they are so focused on what is going on for them. The stories happening in their minds. How they are feeling inside, or how they are coming across to others, which puts you way down the pecking order.

But what does this mean in relation to who we are?

Well, if you consider the amount of time we focus on fitting in and wearing masks, then you can appreciate why remembering who we actually are, can be hard. Why it can be hard to separate ourselves from those masks, because we’ve spent so much time wearing them. And the problem is, that when we do something for long enough, we form a habit. And so, it can be confusing to separate ourselves from those habitual and learned identities.

But if Socrates is right and our true self is our soul, then how can we identify that?

Well the definition of soul according to Webster’s Dictionary is:

1) The immaterial essence, animating principle, or actualizing cause of an individual.

2) The spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe.

3) A person’s total self, or an active essential part, or the moral and emotional nature of human beings.

Plus, an additional seven other possibilities not mentioned here.

And when I think of those definitions, I feel a sense of peace. Which is a good place to start.

What I mean is, when we hide who we are, we worry. We worry that someone will find out – which is stressful. And so, if we don't have to hide who we are, then we don’t have to feel ashamed anymore, and those feelings of concern will ease, or certainly become less present, which to me means peace.

Remember:

NONE OF US CAME HERE TO BE SOMEONE ELSE. WE CAME HERE TO BE US.

This world is only interesting because of that. Because of the diversity of personalities, abilities and interests each of us bring.

If there was no difference, there would be no invention, no art, nothing new at all.

AND WOULDN’T THAT BE HORRENDOUS?

Given that I would say that there are several questions you could ask yourself in order to find you again:

1) When was the last time you felt how you would really like to feel all the time?

What was happening then?

2) What thing, or things do you do, or have you ever done, that give you a feeling of peace; that give you a feeling of joy, that give you a feeling of being alive?

3) What do you love to do?

4) What don’t you love to do?

And finally:

5) What would you do, if you knew that you could never fail? Never be criticised?

Ask yourself those questions, and be honest. After all, there’s no one watching, just you.

And it is all about you.

For when we find a sense of peace within ourselves, about who we are, then we can live a life more aligned with our individual truth. Which will bring us joy, and allow us to be more available to others, and navigate the ups and downs of life with more grace.

WHY?

Because we will be less stressed.

And when we are less stressed, our perception of ourselves and the world around us opens up. Our minds slow down in a good way, because they’re less preoccupied with thoughts, so we have more space, feel less rushed. And when we’re in that place, we’re more creative, and we seem to have fewer problems. But when something comes up, we’re in a much better place to manage it than we once were, because we have access to the part of our brain that helps us solve problems, because we’re less stressed. When we were stressed that bit got shut down, so now we’re more relaxed, it’s available to us again, and we can function so much better.

And finally:

Did you know that research has shown, that when we are living more authentically we are more attractive to others?

We won’t be more attractive to everyone because some people will have different perspectives. But the people who share our values, or appreciate us for who we are, will start to show up.

Equally, when we are living from our true essence, we find ourselves less prone to illness. That’s because when we are stressed our immune systems stop working properly.

So, when we’re not stressed anymore, our immune systems kick back in, and we find increased energy, which will improve our focus, determination, and the quality of our lives.

Here’s to being you.