Grief

I still vividly recall the night my brother called to tell me that Dad had died. 

I was thousands of miles away and so we couldn’t do the things I always felt we should. Things like see dad, see and support each other, help with practical things, and hug, so that we could share the warmth that all those memories held. 

Tears fell and I fought them back. I didn’t want my sons to see me like that, and so I held all these feelings in.

It’s fascinating to reflect on those words, and to realise how many assumptions I had about what was healthy, what was safe, what was right and what was wrong. All those things that prevent us from expressing who we are, what we love, and what the truth about life is. 

As Haruki Murakami said:

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it,”

And grief, I would add, Haruki, is a natural part of life too. None of us will ever avoid it, and neither should we. For life is forever changing, and I feel that in those moments, an opportunity exists. 

As Schopenhauer said:

“Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.”

But does that mean twe shouldn’t grieve. Well the answer’s NO!!!

That’s not what any of this means. What it means is, that whilst birth, death and the need to use the bathroom, make us all the same, grief is as individual as the fingerprints on our hands.

We have all had unique experiences in our lives. Experiences that shape our responses to situations. But beyond that, we are, first and foremost, human - and grief is a part of the experience of being human.

It serves a purpose. Because it allows us to reflect on who we are, on the meaning we have placed on things, on life itself. And it allows us to release many of the things we’ve kept locked away. 

But does that mean that everyone should scream, shout, get angry or philosophically reflect? 

Again, the answer’s NO!!!!

It just means those opportunities exist.

Some people will be quiet, some purely practical. Some may not be able to analyse the nature of existence, or struggle to function, or even struggle to make sense of much. Some may retreat within, or withdraw. Some may get angry, and others may laugh, or even dance. Feelings of guilt may appear, may linger, and for some people, many, if not all of those things will appear at some point in their process of grief.

But how long should it last? 

Well, the answer is, as long as it needs to.

There is no:

“You should be over it by now!”

For why do we have to be over it?

Jiddu Krishnamurti once said:

“Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you also go with him. He will not be alone.” 

People enter our lives, and for the most part, we have no idea when they will leave, just that they are there.

They touch us in so many ways. Often in ways that we don’t even realise, not until they’re gone.

They are part of our lives and one of the most beautiful things in life, is that we can learn from everything we experience, even down to the smallest part. So, nothing is ever wasted, it just sits there waiting to be realised, which is perhaps grief's purpose.

It is inevitable that all of us will face grief in some way, and in some form, at some point. But despite that, we can still live.

We can do and experience new things, different things. We can form new relationships, and even smile.

But we can also still keep the person in our hearts. We can celebrate who they were, and how they helped shape who we are. We can learn from our experiences, and from their experiences. And with that, we can grow as individuals, and as a consequence, we can touch other peoples lives.

Which, is perhaps also grief’s purpose.